I'm a Pumpkin

I want to write a blog right now, but I am so emotionally drained that I'm not entirely sure I can write my thoughts out. I do know, though, that writing out my thoughts is one of the best ways for me to figure things out, so here goes.

College is amazing and different and crazy and hard and exhausting and draining. I love it here at Biola. It has been such a blessing up to this point, and I know that God has called me here and has amazing plans for me. It is so easy to see how God has provided in the past, and made a way for me to come here. It's awesome, and I know I am so blessed, but things have been hard recently.

In my spiritual formation class, we had an assignment where we had to pray this prayer of recollection every morning. The assignment is now completed, but I have continued to pray this prayer first thing every morning. It takes about ten minutes, and goes something like this (This was all written by John Coe..definitely not by me):

1. Present and open your heart to the Lord and intend to learn from Him.
2. Consider as loss all things that could tempt you to find gain outside of Christ; consider as loss all things in comparison to Christ. Detach from potential idols of the heart, both good or bad things, that your flesh might be tempted to find its identity outside of being in Christ. Open to the truth of these matters and talk to the Lord about this, whether you struggle with these matters of the flesh. 
3. Affirm to your soul and the Lord your true identity in Christ, that being in union with Christ, no longer condemned but accepted in Him, is your true self. Be open to the truth at this moment, whether this is truly what you experience or not and talk with the Lord about this.
4. Resolve to keep your heart and mind attentive to the Lord. Be receptive, silent, and still. 
5. Hear the word of God. 

Alright so there's more to each step, but that's the basic gist of it. Like I said, I've been praying these prayers every morning, and step 1 is the one that has been revealing so much. The prayer for part one sounds like this: Lord, I am here. I present myself to you. Open my heart to the truth of what is going on in my life. 

That's a pretty crazy prayer. It runs along the lines of Psalm 139, praying that God will seek us and know our ways. Starting out my conversation with God with this prayer has led to a lot. The truth of what is going on in my life isn't always pretty. In fact as I pray that, I find a whole lot of junk coming up that I didn't realize was rooted so deeply inside of me. I feel like the best way to compare what I've been going through during this prayer is to say that I am like a pumpkin. Yep, a pumpkin. 

When you set out to carve a pumpkin, you have to get all of the gunk out of it first. You cut the top open, and begin scooping out the seeds and all that gross orange mess that is sitting inside of it. I feel like this is what God is doing with my heart right now. I'm presenting myself to Him, saying that I want to be fashioned in his likeness and used to show His glory, but before He can do that, He has to get all the junk out from inside. 

There's a lot going on in my life. Some days God shows me anger or bitterness that I may be holding onto. Other days He brings up disappointment that I have not let go of quite yet. Each day He reveals to me more of the gunk that I have allowed to sit in my heart for so long. God's in the process of emptying me out, of bringing redemption to the darker areas of my heart. Some days it's more painful than others, but it is drawing me near to God. It is a part of the process of spiritual formation, a process that I believe many Christians are avoiding. This process of emptying out my heart of junk leads to the same thing that emptying a pumpkin does: the carving.

As soon as everything is out of the pumpkin, you can carve it. That's where God and I are at right now. I am being emptied so that God can carve me into who He desires me to be. As I am emptied, it allows more room for God. Each day as I have presented myself to God, and asked Him to search me, I have seen how I have a greater capacity to love or a lessened desire to become angry. I am filled with patience and peace that can only come from God. 

The best part is that when you finish carving your pumpkin, you place a candle inside of it, and it shines in the darkness. God is filling me with His light, and with His glory, so that I may shine in the darkness as a light for Him. God's glory is brought about in my weakness and willingness to be used by Him. God is aware of how much junk may be in my life, but He is calling me to be His light, and that's an offer I can't refuse. 

-Savannah