Empty handed, but alive

God is amazing. His love is so much wider and deeper than I can even begin to grasp.

I spent last night in the emergency room because of a seizure. The hospital staff was pretty mean to me, they couldn't get me to calm down, and it was a really terrible night. The whole time I just wanted to go back to my dorm, but my heart rate was really high, and I knew that they wouldn't let me go until I remembered how to breath again. Eventually, when the doctors stopped being big bullies, my brother was let in and my breathing slowly returned to a normal rate. They put some sort of medicine in me and did a bunch of tests, but ultimately it was a frustrating night because it just means I have to go back to my neurologist. My neurologist is the worst, in case you haven't heard me complain about him yet, and he never listens to me. I've actually had more seizures since I was put on this medicine than I did before, but he still refuses to put me on a different drug. He thinks I'm just not taking my medicine. What a jerk.

Anyways, with that being said, I'm emotional and frustrated. I'm scared, like I am after any seizure, and I hate that feeling of fear that I walk with. In my spiritual formation class right now we're praying the prayer of recollection every morning. This prayer begins with presenting oneself to the Lord and saying, "I am here Lord. I present myself to you." We're supposed to do it right when we wake up, and recently I have been woken up every morning at about 3 AM due to a terrible headache. The first couple times it happened, I took some aleve and tried to go back to sleep, but my headaches don't go away anymore, and trying to sleep in the midst of them is useless. With that unfortunate situation, I have been praying my prayer of recollection at 3 in the morning, in the midst of my pain and anger.

As I present myself to God, it has been an act of presenting myself just as I am. I have been presenting myself in my anger, frustration, anxiety, and deep hurt. While I'm exhausted, I am still presenting myself to God. It's been awesome to see the way God has met me exactly as I am and exactly where I am. I feel like I don't have much to offer right now. I'm tired and scared, and honestly mad. I don't understand why this is all getting worse right now, or why it ever had to happen at all, but I am encouraged by Romans 8:18. I have hope, and I know that through my biggest struggles God is bringing about His glory. I know that even in my pain God is working to bring about much better things than I can imagine. I have hope that God will bring healing, whether it be in 2 minutes or in 20 years or when I die and my body is fully restored. God is always in the process of something good, and so my hope will remain rooted in Him.



"Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed, but alive in Your hands."

-Savannah


P.S. Please pray for me! Pray that I will find a new doctor and a new medicine. Also please pray that God will give me strength to make it through the day. My medicine makes me so drowsy, and my headaches keep me awake, so I am extremely sleep deprived.