I'm a Pumpkin

I want to write a blog right now, but I am so emotionally drained that I'm not entirely sure I can write my thoughts out. I do know, though, that writing out my thoughts is one of the best ways for me to figure things out, so here goes.

College is amazing and different and crazy and hard and exhausting and draining. I love it here at Biola. It has been such a blessing up to this point, and I know that God has called me here and has amazing plans for me. It is so easy to see how God has provided in the past, and made a way for me to come here. It's awesome, and I know I am so blessed, but things have been hard recently.

In my spiritual formation class, we had an assignment where we had to pray this prayer of recollection every morning. The assignment is now completed, but I have continued to pray this prayer first thing every morning. It takes about ten minutes, and goes something like this (This was all written by John Coe..definitely not by me):

1. Present and open your heart to the Lord and intend to learn from Him.
2. Consider as loss all things that could tempt you to find gain outside of Christ; consider as loss all things in comparison to Christ. Detach from potential idols of the heart, both good or bad things, that your flesh might be tempted to find its identity outside of being in Christ. Open to the truth of these matters and talk to the Lord about this, whether you struggle with these matters of the flesh. 
3. Affirm to your soul and the Lord your true identity in Christ, that being in union with Christ, no longer condemned but accepted in Him, is your true self. Be open to the truth at this moment, whether this is truly what you experience or not and talk with the Lord about this.
4. Resolve to keep your heart and mind attentive to the Lord. Be receptive, silent, and still. 
5. Hear the word of God. 

Alright so there's more to each step, but that's the basic gist of it. Like I said, I've been praying these prayers every morning, and step 1 is the one that has been revealing so much. The prayer for part one sounds like this: Lord, I am here. I present myself to you. Open my heart to the truth of what is going on in my life. 

That's a pretty crazy prayer. It runs along the lines of Psalm 139, praying that God will seek us and know our ways. Starting out my conversation with God with this prayer has led to a lot. The truth of what is going on in my life isn't always pretty. In fact as I pray that, I find a whole lot of junk coming up that I didn't realize was rooted so deeply inside of me. I feel like the best way to compare what I've been going through during this prayer is to say that I am like a pumpkin. Yep, a pumpkin. 

When you set out to carve a pumpkin, you have to get all of the gunk out of it first. You cut the top open, and begin scooping out the seeds and all that gross orange mess that is sitting inside of it. I feel like this is what God is doing with my heart right now. I'm presenting myself to Him, saying that I want to be fashioned in his likeness and used to show His glory, but before He can do that, He has to get all the junk out from inside. 

There's a lot going on in my life. Some days God shows me anger or bitterness that I may be holding onto. Other days He brings up disappointment that I have not let go of quite yet. Each day He reveals to me more of the gunk that I have allowed to sit in my heart for so long. God's in the process of emptying me out, of bringing redemption to the darker areas of my heart. Some days it's more painful than others, but it is drawing me near to God. It is a part of the process of spiritual formation, a process that I believe many Christians are avoiding. This process of emptying out my heart of junk leads to the same thing that emptying a pumpkin does: the carving.

As soon as everything is out of the pumpkin, you can carve it. That's where God and I are at right now. I am being emptied so that God can carve me into who He desires me to be. As I am emptied, it allows more room for God. Each day as I have presented myself to God, and asked Him to search me, I have seen how I have a greater capacity to love or a lessened desire to become angry. I am filled with patience and peace that can only come from God. 

The best part is that when you finish carving your pumpkin, you place a candle inside of it, and it shines in the darkness. God is filling me with His light, and with His glory, so that I may shine in the darkness as a light for Him. God's glory is brought about in my weakness and willingness to be used by Him. God is aware of how much junk may be in my life, but He is calling me to be His light, and that's an offer I can't refuse. 

-Savannah

Be Still

I have been having a rough week. Honestly, things have been really hard lately. With my health getting worse, and my homework getting harder, I'm having trouble being motivated to even try at times. Tuesday night in my Foundations of Spiritual Formation class, our teacher sent us out of the class an hour early so that we could spend time meditating. He gave us a passage in Philippians to read, and said we could either meditate on that, or simply meditate on whatever it was that we felt God was leading us toward. I left class, and made my way up to a garden on the rooftop of the Talbot building. I sat down, and prayed, and began to read the passage my prof had given us.

I started out by telling God that I really didn't have a great idea on what meditation should even look like. It's definitely a spiritual discipline that I need help in, and I was already feeling discouraged only 2 minutes into my hour of meditating. I read the passage a few times, and I really had no idea what Paul was trying to say. I didn't have my study Bible with me, so I had no references or explanations at the bottom of my page helping me understand it. It was so frustrating, and I kept telling God that I was open to hearing whatever He wanted me to learn from that passage. I was trying so hard to open myself up to God and be open to hearing what He has to say, but it was super frustrating. The benches up in the garden are extremely uncomfortable. I didn't understand the passage of the Bible. I couldn't seem to hear God's voice. I just did not understand what was going on. I was flipping back and forth through the Bible trying to find a verse that made sense or related to what I was going through. I read all of the preceding verses in Philippians, thinking maybe context clues would help. I tried everything I could think of in order to "meditate" on this chapter.

Then I heard God in a loud voice saying "Be still and know that I am God." So of course, my first thought was to try and recall where in Psalms those words were written. I flipped over to Psalms 46 quickly, and again I heard God say "Be still and know that I am God." So I stopped flipping my Bible for a second, and this time I heard God's voice saying, "Be still, Savannah." Okay so I was feeling pretty convicted, because by this point, I was not being very still. I had changed the position I was sitting in a million times, I had read 10 different passages in scripture, I had journaled a good two or three pages, and I had not been still. At that point, I put away my Bible and my journal, laid down on the uncomfortable bench, and I was still. Not only was I literally still, I became mentally still. Anytime my thoughts began running wild, God again told me to be still.

I suck at being still. The business of school and relationships and health issues take a hold of me most of the time. My thoughts are always running wild, and my body is always running wild. The idea of being still is completely foreign to me, and yet there I was, hearing God telling me to be still.

I sat in silence for a long time. My head was emptied of thoughts. My body was restricted from moving. I was still. There were a couple times I started praying, "Okay, God, what do you want to tell me as I'm being still?" but God kept repeating that I simply needed to be still. After much time was spent in stillness, God allowed me to study the next sentence in that Psalm.

The verse continues "and know that I am God." Through my stillness God helped me to realize that He is God over every area of my life. He is God over my health issues, and my grades, and my relationships, and my friendships. He is healer, redeemer, encourager, provider, my strength. He is conqueror, all-powerful, everywhere, and never changing. He is my all in all.

Of course after realizing this, I felt so convicted about my pride. I like to fix things. I like to solve things and get rid of problems, and see the results of my hard work.

With my increasing health issues, I have found that I am so powerless to do anything. I take my meds and I changed my diet and I can't seem to find anything that will make me get better. I am powerless. It's been frustrating and it's been discouraging, but what God really showed me was that I need to be still, and realize and accept  that He is God. I cannot just say that He is God. I need to live it out.

At this time in my meditation, I opened up my Bible to Psalm 46:10, and read the entire verse. This is what it says:

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

The verse ends by saying that God will be exalted. If I am the one healing my health issues or providing the means for me to get through school, then I would be the one receiving the glory. My ultimate goal in life is to live for God and bring glory to Him. I want God to be glorified in my life, and this isn't going to happen if I am prideful and in constant pursuit of the newest solution to my newest problem. I need to be in constant pursuit of God, of the one who heals my sickness and carries my burdens. I need to be in constant pursuit of the one who provides grace when I become prideful. 

This week has been hard. Life has been tough lately, but I am being still, and knowing that He is God. God is in control. I am not. It's hard for me to admit, but it is also such a relief. I am still discouraged by issues that don't seem to be going away, but my action plan from here on out is to just be still. Be still and know that He is God.

-Savannah

"I've given my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun. Every starry night that was His design. I've given my life to the only Son, who was, and is, and yet to come. Let the praises ring, cause He is everything" -Chris August

My flesh may fail..

I had a frustrating morning at my neurologist appointment. I just don't like my doctor very much, and I feel like he treats me like a statistic rather than an individual case with individual needs. It's frustrating being on a medicine that makes me tired and gives me mood swings, and then being told that it's the only medicine I can possibly take. Also the simple truth is that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life, so I'd really love to be on one that allows me to be a normal functioning person. I have headaches all the time, and I can never get enough sleep. My grades are starting to drop because I'm just not functioning anymore. It sucks, for lack of a better word.

With that said, I'm feeing discouraged. I don't care if I have to take medication for the rest of my life, as long as it's some sort of medicine that allows me to lead a relatively normal life, free of seizures. As my doctor so nicely put it today, "there's no cure for epilepsy," and the best I can do is just wait around and hope that there might be a day when I no longer worry about these things.

The truth is, there might not be healing here on Earth, and that sucks, but that's life. What my prayer is is that God will use me to glorify Him. If I can be used as a testament to God's grace, and his ability to work through anyone, then I will count myself blessed. I sometimes feel as if my dreams and passion for ministry cannot be reached until this seizure disorder is gone, but who am I to put limits on what God can do? God has called me into ministry, and that call came to me just as I am. I might always have seizures, but I know that our biggest struggles turn into our biggest ministries. If anything this whole situation is just teaching me about God's love and faithfulness, and His ability to work through our struggles and trials. We sang this song a couple weeks ago in chapel, and it hit me so hard.

"Give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside. I give you my life.
I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will"

Health issues are frustrating, and it seems like they never go away, but in the midst of persistent health issues is God, who truly never fails. He is with me through every bump in the road, and while my health may fail, He never will. It's such an encouragement to me to know that God is holding me through all of this, and will never let me down.



-Savannah



Did that actually make sense? Oh well.

So this is college..

I've been in college for about a month and a half now, and the honeymoon phase is over. The profs are no longer "going easy" on us because we're freshman, the caf food no longer seems like the best thing in the world, and the freedom has now become a curse rather than a blessing. With that being said, I do still love college. I haven't fallen out of love with Biola or anything. I am just beginning to realize how difficult college truly is. Here are a few of the things that have been happening lately:

1. I've been lacking in my blog posts, and a large part of that is due to the fact that I started working. I am a reading tutor at a local elementary school, and I work with a group of awesome 1st graders. I love my job so much. My heart is so invested in those kids, and I love going into working knowing I get to see their smiling faces. I work ten hours a week, and maybe that doesn't seem like much, but it definitely is when it's combined with the fact that I am a full time student, going to a school where I have to go to chapel a certain number of times for credit. I also have homework allllll the time. Midterms are coming up, which means I have huge projects due in every class. Life is crazy. I'm in the process of reading the whole Old Testament, researching the origin of outdoors ministry and the way in which it glorifies God, writing my next 5 minute speech for Public Comm, meeting with a mentor from my major, learning how to speak another language, and going through spiritual formation.   
2. Life is busy, but it's so awesome. God has been showing up in huge ways in my life, and I am so excited about it. I'm a part of the social justice ministry here on campus, and we're getting ready to go to  Compton to minister to prostitutes. We are also taking trips to the Dream Center in LA, and Solidarity in Fullerton. It's awesome to be with people who are letting their hearts be broken for the things that break God's heart. My heart is really invested into this ministry because there is such a need for it in our broken world. Sex trafficking, and human trafficking in general, is taking place here in America, and not enough people know about it. We know other countries are broken, but we often forget to acknowledge just how broken we are here. Human trafficking is happening everywhere, and I am so excited to see where God is taking me so that I can righteously pursue His justice. 
3. I am also part of soul group here. It is led by two sophomore students who are amazing, and we focus on relationships, identity in Christ, and loving each other in Christ. We drink tea and share our struggles and pray for each other and share truth and love. We meet every Tuesday, and it is an awesome time of building relationships and just growing stronger in my walk with God. 
4. As I mentioned earlier, here at Biola, you're required to attend chapel about 30 times each semester. I go every Sunday to something known as "Singspiration." It is an hour long time of worship, where a large majority of the campus gathers in the gym to just sing praises to God. It's so cool, and such a great way to start your week. I am in constant pursuit of ways I can shout the worthiness of God, and singspiration is a great time for that. With that being said, this isn't camp. At camp, worship is always awesome, and everyone always throws their hands in the air and proclaims God's worthiness and holiness, and has chills up and down their spine as they feel God moving deeply in them. Worship is always awesome here, but there's not always that "camp high" feeling. In the process of spiritual formation, there are times when you will not get chills up and down your spine as you sing songs to God. There are times that you will feel as if you're alone or worshipping a God that you cannot feel. The truth that has been revealed to me these past few weeks, though, is that God is God all the time. He is always amazing, good, faithful, holy, worthy of praise. We cannot worship God on a feeling. We worship God because of who He is, not how we feel. Sometimes I don't get chills down my spine, but that does not mean that I stop singing for a second. God is God and is worthy of praise, no matter how we may feel. We must learn to worship Him for who He is. Another thing I hear a lot here are comments like "worship was okay this morning" or "Wow that was the best worship I've been to here at Biola." Statements like these do not make sense to me. We are called to worship God. It doesn't matter if the singer sang in the wrong key the whole time, or if they only did hymns and we really like contemporary worship songs better. The Bible doesn't say to pick and choose when we worship God. Worship God for who he is and not for how good you feel the worship team is or how good of a feeling you get while singing. 
5. In the other chapels I have been attending, God has been calling me to do crazy things. We are all called to go into all the world, proclaiming the good news of Christ. That's a heavy calling, and one that I believe many Christians are shying away from. I have given my desires over to God, and wherever he chooses to call me, that is where I will go. There is this song that I love that says: "Jesus, I believe in you, and I would go to the ends of the earth for you." Is that statement true in your life? I pray that it will always be true in my life. 

So that's a jumbled mess of what I've been experiencing and learning. I'm sorry it's not more eloquent. It's 1 in the morning, and I'm about to crash. What I hope you can take away from this is that God is awesome, and He is working in my life and heart in so many ways. I can't explain how deep my love is for Him, or how blessed I am to be at this school. Wow God is good.

-Savannah

P.S. Here are a few prayer requests:

• energy to balance a very busy schedule
• for my seizures to calm down so I can focus on school and not my health issues
• i am desperately praying for deep friendships with girls who will keep me accountable and hang out with me and support me and walk alongside me as we grow together in Christ. it's been hard finding friends
• a continuously broken heart for the things that continuously break the heart of the God I serve. I never want to become calloused to the things of this world. I want to be so broken by them, and thus called to act.